Follow Me

            Why am I so afraid to walk with God completely?  Why am I scared to trust Him?  That's what all of this really comes down to anyway...trust.  I don't really believe that God will take care of me like He has promised in His Word.  I believe it for others but not for myself.  I know I can't do any better on my own, but I'm still so scared to just let go and let Him take care of it for me.  I have seen Him provide for me countless times in my life.  I have seen miracles happen with my family and friends, and even in my own personal situations.  The fact that He has done all of these things for me still hasn't convinced me that I believe He will handle everything that comes at me.  I know He can, it's just a matter of will He?  Will He really take my heart and make it new?  Will He really make my life into a living testimony to be used for His glory?  Will He really save my family?  Will He really be that comforting Father I have needed for so long?  My problem is that I take care of others too much.  I don't let myself be taken care of, even when I know I need it the most.  When I want to drink, when I want to cut, when I want to just isolate myself and never come out of my room...those are the times that I should be drawing near to God.  So why is it that every time I try to do that, I talk myself out of it?

            I feel like Peter right now.  When Jesus said that Peter would betray Him, Peter thought He was crazy.  Peter would never deny Christ.  He was one of Jesus' closes friends.  He believed in his heart that he would die before turning his back on the Savior.  So committed, so dedicated, so passionate about serving the Christ.  A few hours later, he claimed he never even met the One they called Jesus.  I have days where I am like Peter at the Last Supper.  I know that I will never go back to my old life.  I will choose to die for Christ before I ever live for myself again.  I study, read, pray, meditate, worship, and talk with Godly mentors and friends about everything that is going on in my life.  I get honest to the point of pain, and then I try to work past it.  But I always end up doing something stupid to screw things up.  I always end up denying Christ in some area of my life.  I can never completely give myself to Him and only Him.  I always believe that, “This time will be different.  This time it will be for real.  I'll rededicate my life and then everything will be okay.  Things will get hard, but I'll always turn to Him first.  No longer will God be my last resort.”  And that works, for a little while.

            I can lead people to Christ and answer questions about my faith all day long.  I can be a listening ear and offer comfort and encouragement for hours on end.  I don't mind doing that stuff because I know that is what I am called to do.  But when someone tries to be there for me, I turn them away.  I feel like I can't handle it on my own, but I don't want to bother anyone else with it.  I feel like I need to dig deep into my own heart and answer these endless questions that I have.  But I'm not really sure how to do it.  I've lied for so long that I'm not really sure that I can believe what comes into my own brain.  I know that I need to get into The Word.  If it's not in The Word, it shouldn't be in my mind and heart.  But how do I get to the point where I actually am willing to make all these changes?  One at a time.  That's how.  Just calm down, and take them one at a time.

            Today, I will focus on being honest with the ones I trust the most.  No more lies to my spiritual mentors.  Honesty is painful and extremely difficult for me to do, but I know I have to be willing to do it.  So many Christians struggle with so many things.  The key to all of this is to just be honest with someone about it.  I'm learning that one the hard way.  So many of my problems could have been avoided if I had only been honest with Shamane or Jesslyn or Anjanette when they asked me what was happening in my life.  They can always tell when something is going on because they listen to the Spirit.  They walk with God every day, not just on Sundays.  I want that in my life.  I don't feel like any of them ever judge me for anything that I tell them.  I can tell them the deepest darks of my heart and they won't even bat an eyelash.  They will love me through it all.  I have seen it.  I appreciate it.  I can guarantee you that without it, I wouldn't be here today.  It's a small step, but I feel like it's a step in the right direction.  I want to be held accountable.  I don't want to put myself in situations where I feel like I have to cover it up or justify my actions.  I want to live a pure and upright life.

            Purity.  That's what it says on my ring.  I got this ring because it simply says, “Purity.  Matthew 5:8”.  Purity is so much more than just not having sex until I am married.  Purity, for me, means purity in thought, word, and deed.  My motivations have to be pure, or the fruit will be spoiled.  It doesn't matter how nice the action is, if I'm doing it with any spite in my heart, the fruit could be bruised and spoiled.  I have to live my life in such a way that I am leaving behind a pure legacy.  Pure lives are the ones which are most worthy of emulation.  This is why we emulate the life and teachings of Christ.  He tells us to be holy as He is holy.  He tells us to walk a blameless walk.  He tells us to sin no more.  In and of ourselves, we can do none of those things.  It is only be soaking in His words and teachings and by following His Spirit that we can even hope to be pure in this life. 

            I want to be the one people can turn to and know that I have been listening to the Spirit of God.  I want to be able to wake up every morning and want to read my Bible before I do anything else.  I want to be thinking of God all day, every day.  I don't just want to feel close to Him when I am making music.  I want to invite Him into every single aspect of my life.  I want Him to be present in my finances, my past, my future, my family, my job, my education.  I want to be able to talk to God about everything that I can talk to my mentors about.  I want God to feel so real and so alive to me that I can almost see Him.  I want all of my faith to feel real.  That's what I really want.  I don't want to have to wonder what it feels like to depend on God for everything in my life.  I don't want to wonder what it's like to spend time on a regular basis in my prayer closet.  I don't want to wonder what happens when I actually hear the Spirit of God telling me to do something.  I don't want to just wonder about the peace of God that comforts people in their deepest pains.  I want to KNOW what it feels like.  I don't want to walk on this path just waiting for all these things to happen.  I want to be one of the ones who can testify to these wonderful things and know they were from God.  I don't want to be a Christian that sits on the sidelines.  I want to be on the front lines, fighting the battle for our generation.  I have come through too much to just sit idly by and let Satan take the lives of my friends one by one.

            But before I can do that, I have to be willing to fight for myself.  I have to be able to stand on the fact that my God is strong enough.  I have to actually overcome before I can fight for others.  I have to prepare my own weapons.  I have to find my own desire to serve Him with everything that I am.  I have to know in my heart that I am willing to surrender everything I've ever known and follow Him.  In Biblical days, when someone said, “Follow me,”  it didn't just mean for a little while.  It meant that you were with your teacher for every moment.  You didn't always get to pack a bag full of your favorite things.  When a person made a decision to follow someone in Biblical times, they literally had to be willing to surrender everything.  Their possessions, their families, their friends, their old ways of thinking and behaving.  They traded all of that for the teachings of the one they followed.  They didn't always know where they would live or how they would eat, but still they made the decision.  They didn't take time to make a game plan.  The whole game plan was to simply follow and obey.  That's what the first followers of Christ did.  That's what we are called to do.  We are called to lay aside everything we have ever known that was comfortable and pick up, instead, the cross of Christ.  He has called us to a higher purpose, we cannot begin to live in that purpose until we fist give up the habits, patterns and comforts of our old lives.